Monday, August 20, 2012

My so-called friend "Galvatron" wins the "Worst Friend in the World Award"

Because of the personal nature of this post, I struggled with whether or not to leave this up here, on After weeks of mulling over this problem, I came to a compromise....  I would rewrite the post in Magic Infunguvisible Ink. So, if you are the type of person who would make fun of this, you are probably too lazy to figure out how to read it (or go through the trouble of reading it).   However, if you cared enough to figure out how to read the Magic Infunguvisible Ink, and have still gone through the trouble of reading it.....Congratulations! You win a Dorito!

good ole Charlie Brown
God!  Seriously!  Does my life SUCK or what!!??  Today I was going to write an entry on Republican vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan, and his possible ties to the Church of Satan...but that will have to wait.  No, seriously, let me tell you what I have been through..oh, I don't know...the past few decades or so.  Nevermind...we don't have enough time for that.  Let me just tell you about the latest humiliating kick in the crotch life has dealt me.

Perhaps you are a reader of Mark the Rambling Person's blog at ,  and have read how Mark feels plagued by a problem...he feels that people tend to abandon him.  Well, this is a story like that.  I have some pretty severe..errr..let's call them "abandonment issues" EVERYONE seems to abandon me sooner or later.  Honestly, I have never met another human being (at least not in person) that gets treated as shabbily as I do.  I mean, I know they must exist, because I read about them on tumblr...but other than that, I have not come across anyone with quite as pitiful a track record on this abandonment deal as me.

I wish I could have found a happier occasion to post this "sad cat" gif

I know there are the more critical folk out there in the peanut gallery saying, "HAHA!  JIMMY FUNGUS, YOU ARE JUST BUTT HURT!!"  (that insidious troll jervaise brooke hamster is probably laughing like Ming the Merciless right now...  SEE:  How to Get Banned from   Well, just wait a couple minutes, and listen to the story, before making all your hasty judgments!!


I had this "friend."  We will just call her "Galvatron" in order to preserve her true identity.  We were what I would consider to be close friends for a reasonable amount of time...many months...almost a year I would say.  We would do something together (like go out to eat, see a movie...ya know, whatever)  at least once a week, or maybe twice a week...for all these months.  One day she announces she has some "good news."  I'm like,  "Uhh..oh yeah..really?  What is the good news??"  "We won't be able to do this anymore,"  she says.  Okay, I guess I am leaving out a few key sentences, but for sake of brevity, that's basically what happened.  Long story short, her schedule was going to change...which would make it a little more difficult for us to keep doing stuff together, but by no means impossible.  So she tells me she'll "text me" the next time she'll be able to do something.  But instead of texting me, she just never speaks to me EVER, EVER, EVER again.

So the weeks go by, and then the months, and I don't hear from her....and I am beginning to understand.  All the Dr. Phil McGraw types out there reading this are probably saying,  "Well, it's your own fault, idiot!  You should have called her, if you cared that much."  Despite the fact, that as more time passed, it would have been incredibly awkward to do this...

"HELLO. Yes, this is Bear."  (it would have been incredibly awkward to call her)

I still would have done it.  I am not the coward you are making me out to be, Dr. Phil!  But believe you me, I have been dumped, or abandoned so many times, I know from experience this would not have made a difference.  She just would have sliced me a piece of phoney baloney about why she suddenly stopped speaking to me, instead of being truthful...and it would just get more humiliating from there.

I can't remember why Deb is calling whoever she is, in this scene from "Napoleon Dynamite"...but for some reason it just reminds me of this nauseating situation.

So, anywho, I run into Galvatron for the first time, after her not speaking to me for 8 months (o.k., I ran into her very briefly, maybe once or twice other than this, but that's not important to our story) yesterday, and she tries to hug me with her little paws, and she is surprised I am not elated to see her.  Then she tells me she is quitting her job and riding off into the sunset, so I say, "Well, I guess this means I'm never going to see you ever again."  She says, "I still have your phone number...the Jim-meister."  Well, whatever.  What happened is she found some people she wanted to hang around with instead of me, and rather than ending our friendship in a way that would have allowed me to maintain a few of the remaining strands of my dignity (by seeing me only occasionally, or keeping in touch via text messages, or e-mail etc.),  she simply decided to never speak to me EVER, EVER, EVER again...with the exception of the brief encounter I told you about.

So there you have it.  In the true, spirit of bitterness, I hereby bestow upon Galvatron a very, very special award...

"WORST friend IN THE WORLD! Award" starring McKayla  Maroney (I am sure McKayla is a great friend...she just happens to star in this meme.  SORRY MCKAYLA!)

Welp, you are probably all thinking...," shouldn't be doing this.  Galvatron is going to read this, and be really pissed at you."  No. don't worry.  She is a HORRIBLE friend, and couldn't give a rat's ass what I write in here.

But there IS a silver lining to all this.  When I came home from my job as slave for the most evil corporation on earth,  I was thinking about this mess, and too upset to get to sleep.  So by chance, I went over to Karan Battu's blog, soon to be, and he had dedicated his weekly podcast to me!  On a normal day when I wasn't upset...or, I mean...on a normal day when I was less upset, I probably would have come home from work, and gone right to sleep.  Then I wouldn't have noticed Karan's podcast dedication for awhile, and I would have felt like a jerk.  Anyway, I still feel like an jerk, for giving Galvatron the "Worst Friend in the World Award", but in a different way.  So, God, in His half-assed, Rube Goldberg, way of doing things...did make some good come out of a bad situation.

And that shall conclude, yet another episode of the Jimmy Fungus Experience.  Once again, thank you, and please remember to support your local zoo.

Stay classy, Chicago!


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