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Friday, April 4, 2014

Ellen DeGeneres' Mystery Girl Takes the Internet by Storm (ALSO David Letterman Retiring)

cat accidentally summons Satan gif

Welcome back, true believers.  You have no idea what I went through to do the proper research for today's post.  Despite the vastness of the many tubes of the internets, I still had the most collosal of an enormity of a super difficult time trying to track down the right information.  In one dark moment of despair, I even considered attempting to contact the Dark Lords and asking them for a helpful lead...

the Dark Lords

All this turmoil began when I kept seeing this girl everywhere all over the internet... you've probably seen her too.  She's like the new Overly Attached Girlfriend, or something.  But more to the point... WHO IS SHE??


Here's what my painstaking investigation turned up.  The girl is featured in a tweet on Ellen DeGeneres' twitter account... SEE:  "my face when I see someone tweeting but hasn't replied to my texts."  Ellen's tweet was then retweeted by actress Emma Roberts and from there, the young lass's fame began spreading across the internets like a great cannonball of fire.

(This is just a little aside, but Ellen DeGeneres is one of the most powerful, if not THE most powerful person on the internets.  Remember that Oscar selfie she posted on twitter that instantaneously went viral?  Thankfully, she uses her influence mostly for good, and doesn't go around making smartass tweets, and talking sh*t about people, as many others sadly do.)


But I know what you are all thinking to yourselves now.  You are saying, "That still doesn't tell us WHO SHE IS!"  Okay, hold onto your potatoes, I have a real bombshell for you... 

This girl is none other than Justin Bieber's new girlfriend!

Justin Bieber and his new mystery girl

That was writer's embellishment.  She's not really Justin Bieber's new girlfriend, and journalistically speaking I would never allow such misinformation to be reported here on this website...

Because this is where we report only the hard news, and not just a bunch of bullcrap like the rest of the news media shovels in your face, day in and day out.

at we only give you the hard news, the REAL news...  not a bunch of bullcrap like the rest of the news media

Alrighty then, I probably at this point could call it a day...  I have given you a thrilling, exciting news story about a mysterious mystery girl from the internets.  But that's what the amateur news reporter would do.  Here at we press on...

So don't run away yet, I have one more explosive revelation for you...

dinosaur attack gif

It seems that David Letterman the host of the Late Show, or the Late Late Show, or whatever it's called, is retiring.  SEE:  David Letterman Announces his Retirement

I personally will remember him more for the work he did as an actor. (He had roles in the movie "Cabin Boy" as well as in the NBC after school special "Boy With a Migraine.")

that was more writer's embellishment, "Boy With a Migraine" was a skit on Late Night with David Letterman whoa .. woo wee.  At this point I am pretty winded and getting a migraine myself.  So, let's wind it up and take a hike.

Spongebob Squarepants - dog - babby meme (via the internets)

Once again, God bless you all and please remember to support your local zoo.

Stay classy, Chicago!


  1. I had no idea Ellen DeGeneres was so powerful. I'll remember not to mock her any more on my blog, although all my previous mocking were pretty gentle. Do you think she'd be offended if I said that many men were jealous of her when she was Anne Heche's lover? The girl in the tweet has a double-chin, but I won't say any more in case she's related to Ellen.

    1. Naww. I wouldn't worry, Gorilla. Ellen has a pretty good sense of humor.

  2. I'm glad she didn't turn out to be Bieber's new girlfriend. That would have been pretty creepy given how young she looks. She's probably just some random girl or the internet would have found out who she is by now. I've seen someone tracked from a lot less than a photo.

  3. You have been posting a lot lately! WTG! I will miss Dave, but he really hung around too long. He has seemed really crabby. What he did in the early days was so edgy and inventive and insane. He will be missed. Also, I don't remember the GI Joe episode where the cobra soldiers are cooking up drugs in a lab and a dinosaur busts in, but it's now my favorite episode.

    1. It was my goal to post every Friday, but I kinda epicly failed at that. I must say you certainly know your episodes of G.I. Joe... I myself always get Cobra mixed up with Skeletor.

  4. Have you noticed that dinosaur crashes through the wall and then it reappears behind him?

    1. Wow, that is a very keen observation on your part. Also, I will try to check out the podcast thingy as well.

  5. Also, this ;)




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