Iranian Taco Bell unveils new AYATOLLAH SUPREME CRAVINGS BOXES to celebrate New Supreme Leader!

new AYATOLLAH SUPREME Cravings Boxes 

Tehran, March 9, 2026 – The Assembly of Experts has formally selected Mojtaba Khamenei as Iran’s new Supreme Leader, following a closed-door session described by state media as “unanimous and guided by the highest principles of the Islamic Republic.” The 56-year-old cleric, long regarded as a key figure in the country’s religious and political establishment, assumes leadership at a moment of both continuity and transition for the nation.

In a sign of how quickly commercial life adapts to historic events, Taco Bell locations across Iran have introduced the Ayatollah Supreme Cravings Box to mark the occasion. Priced at 5,000,000 rials—roughly equivalent to $5 on current exchange rates—the limited-time vegetarian offering includes a hearty bean burrito supreme layered with seasoned refried beans, crisp lettuce, diced tomatoes, reduced-fat cheese, and tangy sour cream; a crunchy bean taco filled with the same flavorful bean mixture, fresh toppings, and a drizzle of mild sauce; a generous portion of cinnamon twists dusted with cinnamon sugar; a side of warm nacho cheese dip; and a large Pepsi.
The promotion, rolled out within hours of the announcement, has drawn steady crowds to participating drive-thrus and dine-in locations in Tehran, Isfahan, Mashhad, and Shiraz. One regular customer, Ali, 41, an office worker waiting in line outside a northern Tehran branch, said, “It’s good value and tastes the same as always—reliable, filling, no surprises. Today it just feels a little more meaningful.”
Another patron, Sara, 29, a university student, added while holding her boxed meal: “The bean burrito is my usual go-to anyway. Getting it as part of this special combo on such an important day makes it feel like the whole country is sharing the same small celebration.”
A Taco Bell Iran spokesperson confirmed the box is 100% vegetarian, fully compliant with halal standards, and available for a limited time only while supplies last. “We wanted to offer something familiar and affordable so people could enjoy a moment of togetherness during this historic period,” the spokesperson said. “It’s about good food at a good price—nothing more, nothing less.”
Observers note that the deal’s availability may be short-lived given high demand and the temporary nature of promotional items and Ayatollahs lately. 
Disclaimer: This is satirical fiction written for humor. No Taco Bell in Iran is actually offering an “Ayatollah Supreme Cravings Box,” Mojtaba Khamenei’s leadership is a serious matter unrelated to fast food, and the customer quotes are invented. If you’re hungry for tacos, visit your nearest real Taco Bell and order whatever sounds good—no geopolitics required. Live más, stay safe, and maybe skip the large Pepsi if you’re watching your sugar. 

Singaporean TikTok Influencer Harry Sisson appointed Iran's New Supreme Leader

Iran's new Supreme Leader: will he go by Ayatollah or just Harry?

 

Tehran, Iran – March 3, 2026 – In a move that has the gods of geopolitics rolling in their celestial aisles, an Israeli airstrike today pulverized what was left of Iran's Supreme Council of Experts, who were desperately trying to pick a new Supreme Leader from a lineup thinner than a vegan's patience at a barbecue. Eyewitnesses – or rather, dust-witnesses – claim the council was mid-debate in their "impenetrable" bunker (spoiler: it wasn't) when a barrage of irony-laced missiles turned their solemn assembly into a confetti of clerical robes and bad decisions. "We were this close to nominating a goat," whispered one anonymous survivor, who immediately regretted saying that out loud.

Dubbed "Operation Leadership Vacuum" by cheeky Israeli insiders (who swear they didn't name it for the puns, but come on), the strike hit just as the 88-member body was arguing over whether the next leader should have a beard length measured in metric or imperial. With the council now scattered across the landscape like dandruff on a black suit, Iran's ancient constitution – that quirky relic from the days when "emergency protocols" meant "grab the nearest warm body" – activated its fail-safe: appoint literally anyone who's breathing and has a pulse on social media.
Cue the entrance of Harry Sisson, the 23-year-old Singaporean TikTok phenom whose claim to fame includes viral videos like "Surviving Adulthood with Memes and Matcha" and that legendary clip where he balances a stack of roti prata while lip-syncing to K-pop hits. Sisson, who was in Tehran on a whim to shoot a "Global Street Food Glow-Up" series (featuring explosive falafels, apparently), got the shock of his life when a swarm of panicked officials burst into his hotel room. "I was mid-take on a kebab unboxing when they bowed and handed me the keys to the kingdom," Sisson confessed in his first official presser, broadcast live on his newly verified

@SupremeHarry_IR

account. "Thought it was a flash mob prank. Turns out, ruling a theocracy is just like going viral – all about the algorithm and avoiding shadowbans."
Sisson's regime is already shaking things up with the subtlety of a bull in a china shop full of nuclear centrifuges. Day-one edicts include swapping out state TV for endless loops of dance challenges, retooling the morality police into "Vibe Check Enforcers," and mandating that all diplomatic cables end with fire emojis. The Revolutionary Guard? Now the "Revolutionary Remix Crew," complete with glow sticks and mandatory EDM training. Foreign policy? Sisson's floating a "Peace Through Pranks" initiative, starting with a proposed TikTok duel between him and the Israeli PM – loser buys the shawarma.
World leaders are reacting with a mix of horror, hilarity, and hastily deleted drafts. The U.S. State Department issued a statement saying, "We're monitoring the situation... and stocking up on popcorn." Oil markets went berserk, with futures betting on Sisson's wild idea to convert refineries into "Essential Oil Empires" for the ultimate wellness glow-up. Meanwhile, in the streets of Tehran, citizens are torn between chanting ancient slogans and practicing the "Supreme Shuffle" – a dance move that's already racking up billions of views.
As the Middle East braces for an era where fatwas come with filters and sanctions are settled via subtweets, one can't help but wonder: is this the end of hardline politics, or just the beginning of the most epic troll in history? Either way, Sisson's first nuclear negotiation might just involve haggling over hashtag rights.
Disclaimer: This is straight-up satire, folks – if you bought it hook, line, and sinker, high-five your imagination for the workout! We're just clowning around with fake headlines that out-absurd the real world.

When the Kim Kardashian Alarm Clock your Aunt Got You for your Birthday wakes you up in the Morning ("Get your f*cking ass up and work!") #WednesdayMotivation

 

gorilla getting his jimmies rustled by an alarm clock

For my birthday, my Aunt Linda (die-hard Keeping Up with the Kardashians superfan who still has a shrine to the 2016 earring-in-the-ocean episode) decided I didn’t need another pair of socks or a gift card. Nope. She wrapped up the holy grail: the limited-edition Kim Kardashian Motivational Alarm Clock™, complete with Swarovski “RISE AND GRIND, B*TCH” lettering and a voice chip loaded with pure, unfiltered Kim energy.
She handed it to me at the family dinner like she’d just cured world hunger. “Happy birthday, sweetie! Kim is literally the blueprint for success. This will get you out of that depressing little 9-to-5 rut!” I smiled, hugged her, and prayed it was one of those joke gifts that never actually works.
It worked. Oh, it worked.
The next morning at 7:00 a.m. sharp, my sad studio apartment lit up like a SKIMS pop-up store. Kim’s voice—husky, slightly nasal, zero tolerance for weakness—boomed from the nightstand:
“Get your f*cking ass up and work!”
I froze under the covers. The digital Kim stared down at me with that signature arched brow, lashes so long they needed their own area code.
I hit snooze.
Big. Mistake.
The volume cranked and her sisters joined in like a demonic choir: “Work, b*tch, work, b*tch!”
Kim wasn’t done. Full boss-babe sermon mode activated:
“You think I built an empire by hitting snooze? No. I woke up, I worked, I cried in my Rolls-Royce, then I worked some more. Now get your f*cking ass up and work.”
I dragged myself to the bathroom while she kept going, now on wheels (yes, it rolls—because of course it does), following me like a judgmental personal trainer.
“Stop scrolling, start scrolling through emails! You’re not launching a billion-dollar contour line by staying in bed, honey!”
Breakfast tasted like cardboard and quiet regret. The clock parked itself by the coffee maker and delivered career advice between my sad spoonfuls of cereal:
“Balance? I don’t know her. You want balance? Buy my shapewear. Now get your fucking ass up and work.”
By the time I stumbled into the office at 8:47, tie crooked and soul in a body bag, my boss said the usual “Morning, champ.” I almost whispered back, “Does this look like the face of a woman who owns a private jet? No. This is the face of a man who just got professionally roasted by a birthday gift.”
Every single day since my birthday has been the same glamorous nightmare. I’ve started negotiating with the damn thing like it’s a hostage situation.
“Kim, please, five more minutes.”

“Get your f*cking ass up and work.”
“I’ll buy the new SKIMS drop, I swear.”
“Get. Your. F*cking. Ass. Up. And. WORK.”


Best birthday gift ever.