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| Iran's Supreme Leader visits a coffee shop to prove he is alive and well |
In the name of God, the Compassionate, the Merciful.
To the resilient and patient people of Iran, to our devoted guardians of the revolution, and to the scattered foreign observers who apparently refresh foreign social-media feeds more often than their own prayer times: peace and the blessings of the Almighty be upon you.
Several days ago, in a location so carefully concealed that even the birds circling overhead have no idea where they are, an enemy missile made a brief and utterly unsuccessful attempt to introduce itself to my left ear. It was nothing more than a light graze — a momentary scratch that barely disturbed my afternoon tea. I pressed a simple cloth to it, praised God for yet another display of divine mercy combined with spectacularly bad aiming, and returned immediately to my duties. No cameras were present. No photographs were permitted. No images have ever left the secure compound. The entire affair remains locked away in the most tedious classified folder imaginable, right beside last year’s complaints about the bunker Wi-Fi. To the outside world, and especially to those hoping for a spectacle, it is as though the incident never occurred — which is exactly how it should stay.
My days continue in their usual disciplined rhythm: dawn prayers, strategic briefings, oversight of the nation’s sacred projects, the quiet satisfaction of watching our centrifuges spin with the precision of a master calligrapher. I have no intention of altering this routine for anyone’s entertainment. And yet I cannot help noticing the increasingly frantic campaign being waged from across the ocean. President Trump and his newly assembled cabinet of deplorable infidels appear to be engaged in a rather obvious game. They hurl personal insults, announce appointments that read like rejected reality-show casting calls, and loudly demand that I “come out” in every possible sense of the phrase. The strategy is as subtle as a marching band in a library: provoke a fiery public reply, lure the Supreme Leader into a visible appearance or a live statement, reveal even the smallest clue about a location or schedule, and perhaps the next missile arrives with improved guidance. “Tweet back, Mojtaba! Hold a press conference! Show us where you are! We’ve been practicing our aim!” It is an old trap wrapped in new emojis and all-caps bravado.
I am not falling for it. Not for a single moment. My ear has healed perfectly. My whereabouts remain a mystery to them. My work proceeds undisturbed. Let them tweet and announce and pose all they wish; every notification they send is simply one more free amusement for the inner circle here in Tehran.
Now, after weeks of this relentless performance, the president has settled on one particular accusation that he repeats with the enthusiasm of a man who has discovered the world’s funniest knock-knock joke: the claim that I am gay. He types it daily, adds rainbow flags next to American ones, experiments with new spellings of my name, and seems genuinely convinced this is some sort of masterstroke. I have remained silent until now out of sheer disbelief that anyone could take the charge seriously. But since the gentleman insists on returning to it like a moth to a very confused flame, let me address it once and for all with the clearest, most overwhelming evidence imaginable.
I, Mojtaba Khamenei, am not gay. The suggestion is laughable on its face. I have four wives — each one legally and happily married under the sacred laws of Islam, each one producing children who have in turn produced grandchildren in numbers that require their own Excel spreadsheet. Beyond that, the records show no fewer than twelve mistresses over the decades — discreet, well-maintained, and entirely consistent with a vigorous and traditionally masculine life of leadership. My household is a bustling, noisy, multi-generational compound filled with the sounds of family arguments over whose turn it is to choose the evening prayer broadcast. I have personally overseen the marriages of so many sons and nephews that my wedding-gift budget rivals the defense allocation. If this is the profile of a gay man, then I must humbly suggest that every heterosexual man in history has been doing it wrong. The very idea collapses under the weight of my own domestic records, which are more extensive than most small countries’ census data.
The accusation is so preposterous that it has become a private running joke among my closest advisors. Every new post prompts someone to say, “Ah, the president is worried about my social calendar again.” We have taken to keeping score: each time he repeats the claim, we award ourselves one extra pistachio at tea time. Our blood pressure has never been lower.
Nevertheless, to settle this tiresome matter once and for all and spare the world any further digital embarrassment, I extend a simple and sporting offer. Let us resolve the entire dispute in the most honorable and transparent way possible: an internationally televised ping-pong match between myself and President Trump. One table. One net. One referee chosen by neutral parties — perhaps the Swiss, who are famously good at neutrality and bad at ping-pong. The entire world can watch. If I win, the accusations stop forever and the cabinet perhaps considers appointing someone who has actually read a military manual. If he wins, I will issue a single polite statement acknowledging his superior backhand and we will both move on to more important matters. Live from a neutral venue. Broadcast in multiple languages. Sponsored by whoever can provide the best non-alcoholic refreshments.
I await his reply. My paddle is ready. My ear is fine. My location is secure. And my amusement levels remain delightfully elevated.
May God grant wisdom to those who seek it, patience to those who tweet excessively, and better spin technique to those who clearly need it.
Mojtaba KhameneiSupreme Leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran
Several days ago, in a location so carefully concealed that even the birds circling overhead have no idea where they are, an enemy missile made a brief and utterly unsuccessful attempt to introduce itself to my left ear. It was nothing more than a light graze — a momentary scratch that barely disturbed my afternoon tea. I pressed a simple cloth to it, praised God for yet another display of divine mercy combined with spectacularly bad aiming, and returned immediately to my duties. No cameras were present. No photographs were permitted. No images have ever left the secure compound. The entire affair remains locked away in the most tedious classified folder imaginable, right beside last year’s complaints about the bunker Wi-Fi. To the outside world, and especially to those hoping for a spectacle, it is as though the incident never occurred — which is exactly how it should stay.
My days continue in their usual disciplined rhythm: dawn prayers, strategic briefings, oversight of the nation’s sacred projects, the quiet satisfaction of watching our centrifuges spin with the precision of a master calligrapher. I have no intention of altering this routine for anyone’s entertainment. And yet I cannot help noticing the increasingly frantic campaign being waged from across the ocean. President Trump and his newly assembled cabinet of deplorable infidels appear to be engaged in a rather obvious game. They hurl personal insults, announce appointments that read like rejected reality-show casting calls, and loudly demand that I “come out” in every possible sense of the phrase. The strategy is as subtle as a marching band in a library: provoke a fiery public reply, lure the Supreme Leader into a visible appearance or a live statement, reveal even the smallest clue about a location or schedule, and perhaps the next missile arrives with improved guidance. “Tweet back, Mojtaba! Hold a press conference! Show us where you are! We’ve been practicing our aim!” It is an old trap wrapped in new emojis and all-caps bravado.
I am not falling for it. Not for a single moment. My ear has healed perfectly. My whereabouts remain a mystery to them. My work proceeds undisturbed. Let them tweet and announce and pose all they wish; every notification they send is simply one more free amusement for the inner circle here in Tehran.
Now, after weeks of this relentless performance, the president has settled on one particular accusation that he repeats with the enthusiasm of a man who has discovered the world’s funniest knock-knock joke: the claim that I am gay. He types it daily, adds rainbow flags next to American ones, experiments with new spellings of my name, and seems genuinely convinced this is some sort of masterstroke. I have remained silent until now out of sheer disbelief that anyone could take the charge seriously. But since the gentleman insists on returning to it like a moth to a very confused flame, let me address it once and for all with the clearest, most overwhelming evidence imaginable.
I, Mojtaba Khamenei, am not gay. The suggestion is laughable on its face. I have four wives — each one legally and happily married under the sacred laws of Islam, each one producing children who have in turn produced grandchildren in numbers that require their own Excel spreadsheet. Beyond that, the records show no fewer than twelve mistresses over the decades — discreet, well-maintained, and entirely consistent with a vigorous and traditionally masculine life of leadership. My household is a bustling, noisy, multi-generational compound filled with the sounds of family arguments over whose turn it is to choose the evening prayer broadcast. I have personally overseen the marriages of so many sons and nephews that my wedding-gift budget rivals the defense allocation. If this is the profile of a gay man, then I must humbly suggest that every heterosexual man in history has been doing it wrong. The very idea collapses under the weight of my own domestic records, which are more extensive than most small countries’ census data.
The accusation is so preposterous that it has become a private running joke among my closest advisors. Every new post prompts someone to say, “Ah, the president is worried about my social calendar again.” We have taken to keeping score: each time he repeats the claim, we award ourselves one extra pistachio at tea time. Our blood pressure has never been lower.
Nevertheless, to settle this tiresome matter once and for all and spare the world any further digital embarrassment, I extend a simple and sporting offer. Let us resolve the entire dispute in the most honorable and transparent way possible: an internationally televised ping-pong match between myself and President Trump. One table. One net. One referee chosen by neutral parties — perhaps the Swiss, who are famously good at neutrality and bad at ping-pong. The entire world can watch. If I win, the accusations stop forever and the cabinet perhaps considers appointing someone who has actually read a military manual. If he wins, I will issue a single polite statement acknowledging his superior backhand and we will both move on to more important matters. Live from a neutral venue. Broadcast in multiple languages. Sponsored by whoever can provide the best non-alcoholic refreshments.
I await his reply. My paddle is ready. My ear is fine. My location is secure. And my amusement levels remain delightfully elevated.
May God grant wisdom to those who seek it, patience to those who tweet excessively, and better spin technique to those who clearly need it.
Mojtaba KhameneiSupreme Leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran
